Friday, July 02, 2010

Beehive to get moat in security upgrade

Speaker Lockwood Smith has ruled on the incident on parliament's forecourt involving Greens co-leader Russel Norman and visiting Vice President of China Xi Xinpeng. Among the recommendations is the installation of a ten metre wide moat around the Executive Wing.

"Russel Norman is an inconsiderate sod who has forced the matter on this office," said Lockwood Smith. "Although Norman's protest was below appropriate noise control limits, his voice presented tonal discomfort at irritating frequencies. Audiological neurologists have informed me of the technical name for this phenomenon; The Snott Faire Note."

"Therefore, for health and safety obligations as well as state of the art security realities going forward, this iconic water feature will also provide more full time jobs than the prime minister's bicycle track through New Zealand," said the Speaker at a press conference in the underground Beehive theatrette.

A written statement from the Speaker went on to detail the new biometric portcullis being installed, complete with kevlar drawbridge from Lockheed Boeing.

Opposition parties are questioning the move. Green MP Keith Locke said that this is yet another sign of the government's drift into totalitarianism. Act MP Roger Douglas said that Electric Martin should have won the contract.

In a separate statement, the Speaker has concluded his report on the MP expenses scandal and has recommended a pay-rise to all MPs.