Expecting To Fly

The NZ Labour Party never loses elections to the Nats. They lose it to the Enrolled Non Vote. Nat voters always vote. Old people, conservative in their dotage, always vote. The more left-leaning voters, the poor, the students, either don't enrol or don't turn up at the polling booths unless they are prodded. Labour's challenge this year is not to lose to apathy.

Losing badly in 2011 would make the chances of winning in 2014 that much harder to bridge. With Goff at the helm, 2011 will be a bloody shipwreck for Labour, unrestrained support from his front bench not withstanding. The chances of getting new blood in will be near impossible. As it is, I can see several Labour electorates at risk of falling to the Nats this election, Rimutaka being one that springs readily to mind.

The big question of course is who then if not Goff? It's way too soon for the serious contenders to make their move, therefore some stunt clown is required. Up until today, I had thought that only David Parker had the remotest chance of cauterising Labour's likely love lost. Then David Farrar mentions Trevor Mallard.

After the initial Yeah Right, it sank in. Tick on name recognition (I fear David Parker would be confused in the public mind with Otautahi mayor Bob Parker). Tick on activist recognition (I met Trevor Mallard at a regional conference in Lower Hutt a few years ago. I harangued him on energy policy). Tick on Waitakere Man. The Rugby World Cup used to be his baby.

Trevor Mallard started the Red Alert blog, which has provided a better communication tool between Labour's parliamentary wing and the outside world than any other media platform at the party's disposal. He is prepared to take chances. Speaking of which, being Leader of the Opposition might stop him from going on quite so many lunatic bike races. Consider it harm minimisation all around.

Five gyres not one

It seems that there's not one (North Pacific) gyre, not two (North Atlantic) gyres, but five, five gyres of plastic soup poisoning its way through the food chain. Here's what the average teenage mutant injured turtles are eating:

The environmental desk is now on self-medication leave.

The Deconstruction of Falling Stars

If Phil Goff's appearance on Q&A was a leadership acid test before the Labour caucus crucible, Goff failed terribly. The whole show is worth watching, complete with an interview with former Labor leader Kevin Rudd, who seems nice but nebulous.

While the video is painful, the interview transcript reminds me of the part in Terry Gilliam's Brazil where the secretary is dictating a torture session. Selected highlights:

MR GOFF No, no, that’s…
MR GOFF No, no, no, look…
MR GOFF No, no, no, no…
MR GOFF No, no, no, these are assertions…

Sir Don McKinnon was in fine form. He made an apt point on the Sleepless in Hataitai debacle which Patrick Gower picks up on:

"You gotta catch it on the full. Never let it bounce."

My personal highlight was Jon Johannson chastising Darren Hughes on behalf of Victoria University for the hubris of ignoring the Public Policy ethics they attempted to instill in him (and others) as par for the course.

Criminal World

I have heard it repeated in many differing political circles; you can't enter politics without a bit of life experience to guide you. Political life does not reward naïveté. And so old uni lecture chum Darren Hughes, an otherwise decent bloke, goes down.

I would feel slightly more compassion for Hughes if he hadn't released his whiny "innocent until proven guilty" resignation letter. Right at this moment, there's an otherwise decent bloke appearing on numerous charges relating to flowers in Auckland District Court. I have an otherwise decent blokess up on charges in Waitakere Court after police conducted an illegal search of her vehicle in the Auckland Domain.

Meantime in Rotorua, another otherwise decent bloke is facing charges after surrendering peacefully to police at Raggamuffin. Rotorua area commander Inspector Bruce Horne is on record saying:

"No arrests were made inside the venue, but 16 were made at the gates or immediate environs."

Yet here I am looking at charge sheet with Detective Mahara Alcock from Rotorua CIB's name on it that plainly sez in the Circumstances bit on the Caption Summary:

The defendant in this matter MCLEOD was seated on the grass banks opposite the grandstand at the concert.

Clearly, at least one cop is lying. But I digress. I'm not directly blaming Darren Hughes for these injustices. That would be unfair. Let's look at his voting record in parliament instead.

Labour voted with National in favour of the Criminal Proceeds Bill, which greatly expanded who the Crown could sue on balance of probabilities and claim any citizen's assets. Innocence until proven guilty does not apply. Neither does the the principle of double jeopardy, which encourages the Crown to try the same crime twice, once in criminal then in civil court.

Rob Hosking sums up another strike against Hughes:

So let’s get this straight: at a time of rising concern about binge drinking among our youth, Mr Hughes, a senior Labour MP with responsibility for the vital education portfolio, is out binge drinking with a bunch of 18 year olds.

The ruddy hypocrisy, the "I'm tired and emotional, you're a binge drinker" platitude that only comes from the ivory tower of power or academia. The increasingly red complexion of Hughes Minor foretold of one supernova or another. Hughes should be grateful it was just a stroke and not an aneurysm.

Lastly, there's the charge of drug snobbery. Hughes might like to be young and drunk, but he was no liberal in the medical marijuana vote. In fact, the whole list bears repeating:

Noes:

• The entire National Party, who bloc-voted against it
• Jim Anderton (Progressive Coalition, Wigram)
• Rick Barker (Labour, List)
• Ashraf Choudhary (Labour, List)
• Clayton Cosgrove (Labour, Waimakariri)
• Clare Curran (Labour, Dunedin South)
• Lianne Dalziel (Labour, Christchurch East)
• Kelvin Davis (Labour, List)
• Peter Dunne (United Future, Ohariu)
• Te-Ururoa Flavell (Maori Party, Waiariki)
• Phil Goff (Labour, Mt Roskill)
• George Hawkins (Labour, Manurewa)
• Parekura Horomia (Labour, Ikaroa-Rawhiti)
• Darren Hughes (Labour, Otaki)
• Raymond Huo (Labour, List)
• Rahui Katene (Maori Party, Te Tai Tonga)
• Luamanuvao Winnie Laban (Labour, Mana)
• Nanaia Mahuta (Labour, Hauraki-Waikato)
• Trevor Mallard (Labour, Hutt South)
• Stuart Nash (Labour, List)
• Damien O'Connor (Labour, List)
• David Parker (Labour, List)
• Mita Ririnui (Labour, List)
• Ross Robertson (Labour, Manukau East)
• Pita Sharples (Maori Party, Tamaki Makaurau)
• Su'a William Sio (Labour, Mangere)
• Tariana Turia (Maori Party, Te Tai Hauauru)

Ayes:

• Jacinda Ardern (Labour, List)
• Carol Beaumont (Labour, List)
• John Boscawen (ACT, List)
• Sue Bradford (Greens, List)
• Brendon Burns (Labour, Christchurch Central)
• Steve Chadwick (Labour, List)
• Charles Chauvel (Labour, List)
• David Cunliffe (Labour, New Lynn)
• Catherine Delahunty (Greens, List)
• Ruth Dyson (Labour, Port Hills)
• Darien Fenton (Labour, List)
• Jeanette Fitzsimons (Greens, List)
• David Garrett (ACT, List)
• Kenedy Graham (Greens, List)
• Kevin Hague (Greens, List)
• Hone Harawira (Maori Party, Te Tai Tokerau)
• Rodney Hide (ACT, Epsom)
• Chris Hipkins (Labour, Rimutaka)
• Pete Hodgson (Labour, Dunedin North)
• Sue Kedgley (Greens, List)
• Annette King (Labour, Rongotai)
• Iain Lees-Galloway (Labour, Palmerston North)
• Keith Locke (Greens, List)
• Sue Moroney (Labour, List)
• Moana Mackey (Labour, List)
• Russel Norman (Greens, List)
• Lynne Pillay (Labour, List)
• Rajen Prasad (Labour, List)
• Grant Robertson (Labour, List)
• Heather Roy (ACT, List)
• Carmel Sepuloni (Labour, List)
• Maryann Street (Labour, List)
• Metiria Turei (Greens, List)
• Phil Twyford (Labour, List)

In spite of these grudges, I have two pieces of advice for Darren Hughes. Firstly, good on Brendhan Lovegrove declaring himself two months dry on 7 Days. That takes balls. Secondly, marijuana has long been known as a cure for alcoholism. Less dangerous for all concerned. Harm minimisation, eh.

Rowling Goff

Looks like David Parker will lead Labour into the election:

Labour insiders have told Scoop that Hughes offered Goff his resignation weeks ago, after confiding in his leader that he was under Police investigation. The fact that Goff didn't accept it then has caused stress amongst Labour caucus members.

Scoop has also learnt that indeed a cabal representing a group within caucus is counting numbers against Goff.

Maryan Street and Ruth Dyson are representing a cabal that is seeking support for David Parker to replace Goff. And rumours that Helen Clark and her strong-arm strategist Heather Simpson have been consulted appear to have some substance.

As a mate just asked me, "Who's David Parker?" He's not Goff, for starters. Call him Bill Rowling for all I care, but Phil Goff just screwed up his last leadership decision.

Female Role Models

All Yesterday's Tomorrows

 

Because franky Labour looks like it needs all the help it can get. It would be nice to think this election will be a somewhat even fight, but I don't think so somehow.

Nicked from The Standard. There's a blank canvas still there for audience participation.

Michael Laws shops at Warehouse Stationary for his A4

Oh that's much better than my effort. HT Bryce Edwards' excellent NZPD.

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

Chris Trotter has gone all biblical over Otautahi, reflecting on untamed lions and Moses. I haven't the heart to lay into the absurdities in his comments section, so here goes here:

The Bible, like CS Lewis, is fiction. Sure, bits of the OTT might have been based on historical fact, but that book has had more editors than the Sunday Star Times and has lost whatever historical accuracy along the way.

Christ Trotter usefully wheels out Charlton Heston as Moses parting the seas, as if Hollywood was the best place to receive religious training.

Scientists have since thoughtfully pointed out that the miracle of the parted seas could quite easily occur with the right freakish winds:



Moses might have been a meteorologist or just had a supportive editor. I mean how much scrolling would it have taken to change "And lo! A rare warm easterly with countervailing winds over those shallows might make it easy to cross safely" to "And lo! God has given us an exit strategy!"

As for inheriting things from the Bible; my mate inherited a gun but I don't expect him to live his life by it.

I get ideas from burning bushes every day, but you don't see me making a big fuss about it and declaring myself a conduit of god.

And finally, what will future children think of  Narnia when lions are extinct as dodos?

Michael Laws releases eau de toilette

Talk show host, Sunday Star Times columnist and former mayor of Whanganui Michael Laws released an eau de toilette at a press conference earlier today. The new fragrance, Tunc, is being marketed to the urbane red-neck, featuring a refreshing blend of oreagris (eel urine) and white wine vinegar with an afternote of reflux that really lingers.

"I know what people want to smell. They want to smell me. They want to smell like me," said Michael Laws at the press conference, held at Captain Wang's Hall of Mirrors conference centre in Whanganui. "Tunc also is 110 proof, meaning it can not only be used as a perfume, but also for drinking as well," said Laws.

Tunc will be available at all good $2 Shops.

Extreme Supermoon

Tomorrow will be the closest the moon has been to earth for 18 years. The last time we had a supermoon nothing major happened, so all this Ken Ring panic crap is rubbish. All the same, supermoon being so close to St Patrick's Day, I'd be extra wary of any drunks this weekend.

The half life of us

From the guy who brought you the Otautahi Quake Map comes Japan Quake Map:

Ta, Paul Nicholls! Another nice graphic dizrythmia of the recent tectonic acupunctures. I wonder what they sound like? Where's Aphex Twin when you need him?

The poor don't have these problems

The poor little stress-puppets of plutocracy:

One respondent, the heir to an enormous fortune, says that what matters most to him is his Christianity, and that his greatest aspiration is “to love the Lord, my family, and my friends.” He also reports that he wouldn’t feel financially secure until he had $1 billion in the bank.

More News From Nowhere

One of the essential roles of public broadcasting is to accumulate the local yarns, news and contemporary culture for future reference. So many stories slip through public grasp into oblivion, like tears in rain. The past is fading fast. For example, lessons learned by lives like Palmy Co-op founder Gordon Brown or NZ's first gonzo ambassador Joe Walding, are already gone and precious few artifacts of their existence will endure.

So when the interweb comes along, digital platform, etc. etc., you'd think you might rejoice that the Very Large Online Library has finally arrived. Putting aside the copyright trolls, there are few hurdles to spreading the public record far and wide. The present can be preserved. Then why does TVNZ not provide an index for its fabled TVNZ ondemand programs?

I'll give you a f'rinstance. While some might find The Court Report a cure for insomnia, its content carries more import than the casual channel surfer might be aware of. The issues discussed continue to be of import weeks or years after their recording, yet it is treated as fish-wrapping paper by disappearing off the site within a month. Down the memory hole they go.

The TVNZ YouTube site is loaded more towards tabloid crap than documentaries and current affairs (Close Up is neither of these things). Media 7 has taken the effort to 'Tube it right from the start, but there is no YouTube record to fall back on for TCR.

The Court Report is already run on a spaghetti string. Is TVNZ so out of whack that they can have middle management and marketing gurus out the wazoo but they can't hire a librarian or two to archive this stuff and index it for the intelligent stuff too? Not a priority, is it? Just the fluff then?

Jeez, stoners get hassles for short term memory loss. I guess it's OK if we do it collectively, eh.

Otautahi Rising

No Right Turn points to the fine print behind the Government's Christchurch Relief Fund:

Its trust deed (offline, as far as I can tell) lists its purposes as:

The specific objects of the Trust are: (a) the relief of poverty; and
(b) the advancement of education; and
(c) the advancement of religion; and
(d) the advancement of any other purposes beneficial to the community; and
(e) the advancement of any other purposes that are charitable under the law of New Zealand.

Accordingly, I have removed the government appeal widget off my blog's sidebar. I was naively working on the assumption that the government fund would be some secular humanitarian aid, and not be sponsoring Christian dogmas. It is bad enough that the earthquake has left the conundrum of whether the state will help pay for church repairs, but damned if the government should be picking religious winners on the back of the devastation of Christchurch with people's charity without telling them.

But that's this National government's modus operandi, isn't it, sucking up to the churches? Wasn't it faith-based PEDA who almost snuck off with uncontested budget funds last year? Wasn't it the City on a Hill Christian Church charitable trust in Kawerau that received 334 thousand dollars to do, among a few things, knit and repair second hand clothes? I've also heard rumours that if any state sell-off in state housing were to occur, the Salvation Army wouldn't mind taking them off their hands.

Until this government and organised religion part ways and there's a return to comparatively independent state secularism, I'll also be boycotting the name Christchurch. From now on, it's Otautahi.