Sunday, August 28, 2011

Adventures of Super Key Man

Is it a shag? Is it a glider? No, it's Super Key Man to the rescue!

By day, John Key is a retired currency speculator who likes to keep fit by swimming lengths in his Parnell mansion's swimming pool full of Krugerands. By night, he is protector of the rich and entitled; he is... Super Key Man!

Last week, you will recall that Super Key Man was trapped by those dastardly fiends, DPB Mum and her side-kick Delinquent Unemployed Hoodie Boy. DPB Mum threatened to rape Super Key Man in order to get pregnant and stay on the benefit, while Delinquent Unemployed Hoodie Boy forced alcohol and cigarettes into him.

Stay tuned for another exciting episode of... The Adventures of Super Key Man!

Super Key Man: Ugh! This behaviour is morally unacceptable and fiscally reprehensible. New Zealand will never catch up to Australia while you're free, DPB Mum and Delinquent Unemployed Hoodie Boy!

DPB Mum: That's what you think, Super Key Man. Hang on, what's this scar on your scrotum? Gah! You've had the snip! I'll never get preggers with you, Super Key Man!

Super Key Man: That's right, DPB Mum. I have taken personal responsibility of my testicles, just as the Welfare Working Group Justice League recommends for you too.

Super Key Man reaches into his utility belt.

Super Key Man: I may have left my Compulsory Hysterectomy Laser at home but... take that!

Something whizzes out of Super Key Man's hands at DPB Mum and Unemployed Hoodie Boy.

DPB Mum: BLAMMO! You've stabbed us and our boy with stored value debit cards!

Super Key Man: Yes. Lucky I always carry my Paula Bennett Slapper cards with me at all times.

DPB Mum: You may have won this round, Super Key Man. But we'll be back to fight you another day. Come on, Delinquent Unemployed Hoodie Boy. Let's limp off to the pub and drown our troubles.

Well done, Super Key Man! Stay tuned next week, when Super Key Man takes on his most dangerous foes yet; Domestic Violence and Suicide!