The National government's plans to reform the spy network have been leaked a week prior to public release. Among the many reforms included in the document are a renaming of the Government Communications Security Bureau, and the introduction of the death penalty for treason and whistleblowing.
The file purports to outline a complete restructuring of the surveillance services, whereby the GCSB, SIS and parts of the police force are merged into a new ministry called the National Kiwi Voyeur Division, or NKVD.
"The NKVD will be a one-stop shop for any official seeking personal details about anyone in New Zealand, including former wives, prospective girlfriends or just checking to see what people are borrowing from a library," the report says.
According to the report, which was printed in lemon juice and had to be read over a toaster, the merger is expected to reap some cost savings.
"Compliance costs will be significantly lowered once our databases are subsumed and fully integrated into the Echelon network of satellites, drones, Homeland Security checkpoints and agent provocateurs."
The report alleges a new oath will be sworn by security personnel, pledging allegiance to the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet. Failure to uphold the oath may result in private rendition or public capital trial, albeit in closed court for national security reasons.
"Media reports of illegal spying and incompetent oversight is bad for morale, and off-message compared with more uplifting stories that the Defence Force Public Relations Construction Team feed to our people in the media. Poor morale can lead to leaks, and every means necessary must be taken to prevent these traitors from upsetting the order of things, not to mention the civilians."
Prime Minister John Key is currently in China, and was unavailable for comment as he is visiting a Chengdu industrial mega-park and it is too noisy to hear or answer questions on the factory floor.