Monday, February 21, 2011

Physicist banishes talkback host to another dimension

Renowned wheelchair-bound physicist Stephen Hawking today tested a new string theory on outspoken New Zealand talkback host Michael Laws, sending him on a one-way journey to the 11th Dimension.

Professor Hawking, IQ 160, successfully inserted Michael Laws, IQ 60, into the newly discovered dimension by squeezing Laws' unusually narrow mind into sub-Planck length proportions. "Michael Laws' very special brain first came to my attention after his comments on RadioLive last week," said Prof Hawking at a press conference at Cambridge University. "Michael's mind is naturally very narrow, something less than 10-20 nanometres wide. He was an ideal candidate for my new Large Hater Collider."

Michael Laws was accelerated to near light speeds in the LHC, before being hit head on with another similarly narrow-minded test subject travelling at the same speed, in this case Pauline Hanson. Hanson was completely annihilated in the collision, decomposing into four Letters to the Editor and a pair of dingo's kidneys, whilst Laws was squeezed through the Planck Hole, long considered to be the smallest possible length of anything in the universe.

Professor Hawking said that according to his calculations, Michael Laws has reached the Black Brane plane. However, due to nothing being able to communicate with this dimension made of singularity garbage, there is no way to confirm that Laws is still alive or dead. "I call this result the Shrodinger's Prat effect."