Is it a shag? Is it a glider? No, it's Super Key Man!
Faster than a parliamentary urgency motion! Can leap tall facts with weightless confidence! It's Super Key Man saving the rich and well-off from the evil forces of the proletariat!
Last week, you will recall that Super Key Man had a close shave with DPB Mum and Delinquent Unemployed Hoodie Boy. What terrible fiend has threatened the focus group munchkins this week? Stay tuned for another exciting episode of... The Adventures of Super Key Man!
John Key is relaxing at his secret hideout in Hawaii after a hard week of smiling and waving. His butler, Toby, is hard at work giving him a facial and arm rub.
Toby: Senor Key, you mustn't overwork yourself. If you don't slow down on the smiling and waving, you'll get arthritis.
John Key: There's no rest for the righteous or the wicked, Toby. If I don't fight for the rich and powerful, who will?
The phone rings in the next door study.
Toby: I'll get it, Senor Key.
A few moments later, Toby returns with an iPhone on a platinum platter.
Toby: It is Police Commissioner Marshall on the phone, Senor Key.
John Key: Hello Commissioner Marshall. Super Key Man here. What can I get you today?
Police Commissioner Marshall: Super Key Man, please help us! Domestic Violence and Suicide have been appearing all over the country! We don't know what to do! Our tasers and jail cells are useless!
John Key: Never fear, Commissioner. I'll get right on top of it.
John Key jumps up and runs to the study. He plays the first few bars of "If I Were a Rich Man" on the grand piano. A bookshelf of Forbes magazines clicks open and John Key disappears inside. He emerges as... Super Key Man!
After a short flight back to New Zealand in his Super Key Hercules plane, as well as a connector flight in his Super Key Iroquois copter, followed by a quick drive in the Super Key BMW mobile, Super Key Man has cornered Domestic Violence and Suicide in a dramatically lit trailer park.
Super Key Man: I've got you cornered now, Domestic Violence and Suicide. You will prey on the fears of middle New Zealand no longer! Come out of the shadows, Domestic Violence and Suicide!
Domestic Violence: OK, OK. Just don't hit us!
Super Key Man: Hang on. Ummm, aren't you DPB Mum? Didn't I vanquish you last week?
Domestic Violence: That's right. I was hoping you wouldn't recognise me with the mask of welts and bruises.
Super Key Man: And... er... I suppose Suicide lying over there is Delinquent Unemployed Hoodie Boy.
Domestic Violence: Was. He's dead.
What a bummer! How can Super Key Man win the day and make political capital out of this? Stay tuned next week for another exciting episode of... Super Key Man!