Melbourne man attempts Darwin Award; fails

Weird, gutless, useless suicide attempt goes wrong.

Has Don Brash got John Kerry's flip-flops?

For the second week in a row, the National Party leadership has been hoisted by its own petard during Question Time. A patsy question from Winnie Laban on withdrawing Indonesia's ambassador provoked Peter "Captain Sensible" Dunne to ask:

Hon Peter Dunne: In light of the Minister's earlier answer that it is appropriate for New Zealand to express concern to Indonesia regarding the outcome of the trial in terms of any appeal that is to be lodged, can he now tell the House what specific actions, if any, the New Zealand Government has taken in respect of that?

Hon PHIL GOFF: I have asked the Ambassador to Indonesia, through the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade, to ask the Indonesian Government whether it intends to appeal against the decision.
I am, of course, mindful that there is no way that we could instruct such a thing. I am also mindful of the fact that to demand such a thing, and for the Indonesian Government to be seen to be responding to a foreign Government's demand, would be totally counterproductive to what we are all trying to achieve against terrorism in Indonesia.

Rt Hon Helen Clark: How would the Minister react if another country threatened to withdraw its ambassador to New Zealand because the executive here refused to interfere in a court decision?

Hon PHIL GOFF: Quite frankly, to use the vernacular, we would probably tell it to sod off.

This is all part of Election Foreplay. Every party is wooing the middle vote, and it's survival of the fittest. Although Rodney Hide got some flak last week for lining the Nats up on Rongo Wetere's partisan affiliations, today shows it is an effective strategy. Even Winston Peters couldn't resist putting the boot in:

Rt Hon Winston Peters: Did the Minister or his colleagues see the disclaimer from the National Party leader as to the purport of his first demand that the ambassador be withdrawn from Indonesia, and does he give any credence to it?

Hon PHIL GOFF: I did indeed see the disclaimer. It shows that Dr Brash was last night scrambling to explain his statement, stating that he meant that New Zealand should withdraw Mr Elder for consultations unless Indonesia indicated it would appeal against the sentence. The report notes that that is not consistent with Dr Brash's original statement.

National plainly haven't learned anything from Simon Power's "without reservation" faux pas. Nothing turns off a swinging voter quicker than embarrassing policy U-turns.

Slow news day

Although nothing of consequence is in the national news today (for the fifteenth day straight), Neil Falloon over at Dog Biting Men has an apt rundown on the differences in political party supporters.

Overqualified trainee tree surgeon required

As the daunting search for paid employment continues, I had a look in Wellington City Council jobs for something in the entry-level department. Trainee Arborist sounded promising, until I saw the unbelievably high standard of applicant required:

• You must have demonstrated experience leading a team of arborists.
• The person we are looking for will have a comprehensive knowledge of arboriculture and all practices associated with arboriculture.
• We are looking for a person who has an arboricultural qualification, including experience with very large tree removals using different rigging techniques and cranes or helicopters.

With that much knowledge behind them, what else is there for a trainee to learn? Geez, the head tree suregon must have a PhD in aboriculturonomy or something.

Podcasting; the new pirate radio

Geeksheets New Scientist and Wired have featured stories on the wonder of podcasting. Download new music, interviews, comedy sketches, even bible stories straight to an MP3 player of your choice thanks to iPodder. It also lets anyone with rudimentary computer skills start their own amateur broadcasting. Podcasting avoids the licensing fees, advertising crap and regulation that AM/FM stations face.

It's almost as easy as blogging and with a lot less typing required! Check out iPodder for a glimpse of the possibilities. What a great way to do interviews and cover the election... :-)

Any reason National Radio isn't streamed? It's good enough for RadioActive, Kiwi, NewstalkZB, bFM, MoronFM, and ZMFM (Note: spits the dummy in Firefox).

Life Imitating Art

No Right Turn has had a go at the mind-buggeringly huge security cordon thrown round George W Bush's visit to Mainz. It reminded me of an old graphic novel series by Frank Miller and Dave Gibbons written in 1990 called Give Me Liberty; an American Dream.

Seducing the share pimps

Finance Minister Michael Cullen has seen fit to suggest that Kiwis should be throwing their money into abstract share portfolios as well as bricks and mortar. I'll just get the millions I hoard under the mattress in my rented bedsit, drive down in my shitty little Honda import to the stockmarket pimps and buy a few thousand Sky City shares. Cullen's got my vote.

That was laying it on a bit thick, but it's early in the day and I still haven't had my three espresso breakfast yet. You get the point.

It's election year, and every word a politician says is aimed at squeezing another vote into their pocket. Labour's secured the house pimp vote thanks to school zoning. Even Laila Harre must be tempted to tick Labour after the government paid for nurses' historic 14 to 30 percent pay rise. The working and not-working poor aren't rushing off anywhere, regardless of what Matt McCarten thinks (The Rebel Alliance Party anyone?).

Many Kiwis will tune out to Cullen FM's advice. He wasn't speaking to or for anyone I know. More people are likely to follow Tony Soprano's advice: "Buy land, cause God ain't makin' any more of it." Unlike share splits, for instance.

The housing bubble is not going to go away. Even local councils such as Queenstown trying to get a slice of the action. New Zealand is becoming a retirement village to the stars (Cher, Twain, Rhys-Davies, et al), an immigrant destination (like the US and Australia were earlier), and a safe-haven from terrorism. We are the nuclear fallout shelter of the Fourth World War.

As far as long-term investments go, you can't beat land. It will outlast Black Fridays, dotcom implosions, Enron scandals, and Asian Tiger blues. You can improve land yourself, tweak it to improve the value. The most you can do with a share certificate is frame it and stick it on the wall for friends to admire. Let's face it, land is undervalued.

Small to medium private companies still do most of the real work in this country (although franchises are getting a larger market share thanks to scales of regulatory economy). The diversity, entrepreneurialship and innovation that comes from these businesspeople will not be affected one jot by Mums and Dads buying abstract investments. Come to think of it, most times even public companies won't get any more investment out of it. Shares are bought off other shareholders. It's like buying rare Split Enz vinyl on TradeMe to support the Finn Brothers.

Speaking to the Auckland Chamber of Commerce, Cullen's speech was Hannibal noises to the Nat voting bloc; the suits, breadheads and share pimps. "Follow my lead," he could have said, "I've already taken billions from Kiwis with the Cullen Fund and invested heavily in overseas companies."

Cullen voted against the Death with Dignity legislation and it shows. There's no pretty demise for the National Party if its core voters take a liking to the Cullen-lingus.

Vegan child abuse

Researchers have confirmed what I have long suspected; forcing children into a politically-correct diet is bad for their health.

Prof Allen said: "Animal source foods have some nutrients which are not found anywhere else. If you're talking about feeding young children and pregnant women and lactating women I would go as far as to say it is unethical to withhold these foods during that period of life.

"There's a lot of empirical research that will show the very adverse effects on child development of doing that."

She was especially critical of parents who imposed a vegan lifestyle on their children which denied them milk, cheese and butter as well as meat.

"There's absolutely no question that it's unethical for parents to bring up their children as strict vegans," she said.

Will Sue Kedgeley be raising this matter in the House or in an alarmist press release? Hmmm, probably not.

Hunter S Thompson is dead

Hat tip Three Point Turn for breaking the breaking news.

Goodbye Raoul Duke
Though I never knew you at all,
You had the guts to be yourself
While those around you faked.
You took life in both hands
And shook it til it made some sense,
Now you've gone and blown it off
Hemingway coup de grace.

Ah damn it. The Man is dead. Rest easy, Hunter.

Obits: NZ Herald Sydney Morning Herald LA Times New York Times BBC Washington Post The Independent USA Today

Hitchhiker's Trailer online

Amazon has an exclusive on the latest Hithhiker's Guide to the Galaxy trailer. Although squarely aimed at American audiences (emphasis on explosions and slapstick, less on satire and Dent's Englishness), the trailer still looks the business. The movie premieres in England on April 29th, so NZ should get it sometime between then and Christmas, depending on how the distributors are feeling.

Brother from another planet

Just wiped the tears out of my eyes after watching Susan Wood interviewing Rongo Wetere on Close Up. I've seen more intelligible Spinal Tap interviews. Hopefully Jeremy Wells has a chance to cross-examine this master of deadpan drivel for Eating Media Lunch.

I'd gladly support NZ on Air funding for a chatshow featuring Rongo Wetere, Donna Awatere Huata and Parekura Horomia. Billy T James would approve.

NCEA; dyslexic for EXAM

NCEA has taken the scholar out of scholarship. Untutored students are passing Geography, while the pass rate for Biology sank to 0.6 percent, Chemistry fizzled at 0.9 percent, and Physics got a subatomic 0.35 percent pass rate. English scholarships were OK with 0.33 passing and Accounting students did fine too. What does this all mean? Less scientists and doctors, more lawyers and accountants. Just what a Knowledge Economy needs.

I pity the poor smart bastards who end up with a "distinction" award. "I got fucked about by NCEA and all I got was this T-shirt" might be more appropriate.

Call me obtuse, but I always thought the aim of higher-level school exams was to demonstrate academic competence in order to prepare for the rigours of university; hence the phrase University Entrance. If this is so, why not just let university faculties set exams for possible entrants? I'm sure they would have a damned clearer insight into the skill set required than the NZQA.

Then again, I'd be horrified to see any entrance exams from the $239 million Un-university, Te Wânanga o Aotearoa. It's unbelievable that this jumped-up polywoly gets almost quarter of a billion dollars a year while UNITEC still can't call itself a university. TWA features four Bachelor degrees, one Postgrad Diploma, one Masters and one Doctor. UNITEC has 48 Bachelor degrees, 10 (useful) Postgrad Diplomas, 17 Masters and 2 Doctorates.

NZ Education; made by slackers, for slackers.

Hawkins fed to the lions

Today's Hansard transcript of Question Time makes vivid reading. Who needs rugby or Iraq when we've got a full-tit boogie of an election year on our hands? The Nats may have been blooded, but nothing compared with the savage pummeling inflicted on Police Minister George Hawkins today.

Dianne Yates had a patsy question to start things off. Steve Maherey started things of chipper with name-dropping a lot of Kiwi talent. The Speaker made him withdraw an excellent jibe, referring to a band called “Don Brash and the Divided Nationals.” Was surprised by Maharey not taking credit for Channel Z changing to Kiwi FM. Good on you, Grant Hislop!

Marian Hobbs' lapsus lingae, referring to a singer by the name of "Rick Bunga", was forgivable. I'm sure she gets her mucking words fuddled a lot, which is how she ended up in Cabinet with Environment and Disarmament (two portfolios even she couldn't hurt herself with).
Then the main course arrived.

Rodney was chewing so much scenery, he got booted out of the House after egging on Marc "The Narc" Alexander of United Future. Not surprising, given all the fun had finished with Hawkins, reduced to parroting "inquiry".

Back to Reality

The Whig has called it quits and has returned to the real world.

One Tree, None Tree, One Tree, None Tree Hill

Orkland's "One Tree Hill" epitomises the glacial progress that is local body politics in NZ's Big Smoke. Unknown terrorists planted a pohutakawa tree on that hill in the weekend, with a note stating "One Nation." The offending tree will be removed by council workers this week.

For five years One Tree Hill has been a misnomer. Council, not wishing to rush things, hope to have an official tree (two trees, three trees, more) planted later in the year.