Poisoning Pigeons in the Park

Public servants and other office workers are in fear for their life, or at least their lunch, by pigeons in Midland Park. Defenceless retail assistants are getting mugged for their muffins, prompting Wellington City Council to issue an ultimatum to park users. Stop feeding them and littering, or the pigeons will be "culled."

While council staff consider "the most effective and humane way of culling the population," here's a range of suggestions free of charge:

• Have recordings of Jim Anderton speeches broadcast over speakers in the park. Either no-one will stay long enough to litter or feed the pigeons, or the drone will put the pigeons to sleep.
• Taser them. If it's humane enough to use on humans, it's OK for pigeons.
• Use up excess stocks of BZP by putting doses in raisins for the pigeons to consume.
• Have some bodypainters paint the birds with the NZ flag and let Tame Iti complete his community service by shooting at them.
• Turn John Key's mass of useless DVDs into shurikens. Charge $2 for a throw at a pigeon.
• Trevor Mallard spends summer working as a scarecrow at Midland Park. Optional extra, he can threaten to punch people for littering or feeding the birds.
• Sign up all the pigeons as National party members and let the Labour government do the rest.